Never Good Enough: Core Beliefs and Perfectionism
“I’ll never be good enough”
You do everything you can to be the best version of yourself.
Showing up for your family and friends, putting in extra hours at work, and setting goals for self-improvement.
But no matter how much you do, deep down, you still hear a little voice that says: “You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.”
This is a common story for people living with perfectionism.
Perfectionism is informed by a core belief that you’re not worthy or valuable, just as you are.
So you get caught up in the constant pursuit of success, hoping that if you can do everything right, you’ll finally deserve love and happiness.
But it’s an impossible situation.
Because no matter how much effort you put in, perfectionism will never be satisfied.
And it’s incredibly discouraging to feel like you’re giving your all but still not measuring up.
In this article, I explore the deep-seated belief of “never good enough” and the role it plays in perfectionism. I also outline 4 practices to help with uprooting this core belief.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism involves a habit of setting high expectations for yourself. Whether that’s for how you perform at work, school, in your relationships, or all of the above.
People who struggle with perfectionism are really hard on themselves. You likely focus on everything you need to improve, while brushing off your strengths and successes.
Often what fuels perfectionism is fears about what could go wrong if you ultimately don’t meet expectations. On some level, perhaps you worry that you could lose everything you care about, ending up rejected and alone.
For these reasons, perfectionism tends to bring up lots of negative emotions. Like anxiety about everything you have to get done, shame about past mistakes, or guilt about not doing even more for others.
What are Core Beliefs?
Core beliefs are fundamental, deeply ingrained, and often unspoken beliefs that shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world. These beliefs serve as the foundation for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
If I hold the core belief that the world is a dangerous place, I may assume that something bad could happen at any time, feel nervous and anxious, and act with caution.
We typically develop our core beliefs early in life. They can be influenced by different factors, such as our upbringing, culture, personal experiences, and significant life events.
Often our core beliefs made sense and served a purpose at some point in time. Like helping to protect us in unsafe situations. But our core beliefs can also get in our way, especially if they feed into negative self-perceptions.
Perfectionism: “I’ll Never Be Good Enough”
Here’s how the “never good enough” belief plays out with perfectionism.
All-or-Nothing Labels
Perfectionism frames “good enough” versus “not good enough” as all-or-nothing, binary categories. Like people are either consistently one or the other, with no complexity or nuance in between. Because we’re not perfect - we make mistakes and have flaws - that must mean we’re inadequate.
High Standards
The standards of perfectionism are impossible to meet. No matter how much effort we put in, perfectionism will never let us believe that we’re “good enough.” It will just raise the bar again, saying there’s something more we need to achieve.
Self-Criticism
Self-criticism is a huge part of perfectionism. Perhaps you’ve been taught that self-criticism will motivate you to change. So you verbally beat yourself up with the hopes of eventually becoming “good enough.”
Or maybe you’ve internalized the voices of people in your life who convinced you that you’re not worthy or valuable in the first place.
Seeking External Validation
Since people dealing with perfectionism and “never good enough” beliefs struggle to see their own value, they often look to others for approval.
As humans, we all have needs for belonging and connection. So it’s normal to seek acceptance in your relationships.
With perfectionism, though, the desire for validation is like a constant craving that’s never satisfied.
People can give us kind words and positive support. But the good feeling quickly disappears. Because we haven’t dealt with the unhealed core belief that we’re inadequate.
Holding You Back from Taking Action
“Never good enough” beliefs can also prevent you from taking action toward your goals. It’s hard to put energy into trying new things or taking risks if you see yourself as deficient.
Why try if you already know that you won’t succeed? Or if deep down you believe that you don’t deserve the life you want.
4 Ideas for Working Through “Never Good Enough” Beliefs
Explore Your Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are usually unspoken. You may not be able to name the convictions you’re living by, but they’re still impacting you.
Spend some time exploring your core beliefs. Reflect on what assumptions you hold about yourself, other people, and the world.
Bring these beliefs into the light, so you can decide whether you want to stay aligned with them.
Here are some prompts to reflect on:
What are some basic facts I believe to be true about the world?
What have I been told about myself and who I am?
What are my biggest worries about the future? If that happened, what would it mean about me?
For example: I worry that I’ll make a mistake at work and get fired, which would show that I’m incompetent.
What do I expect from other people? When I meet someone new, what are my first assumptions?
How did I come to learn these things? What people or experiences played a role in shaping my beliefs?
Disengage From “Good Enough” Questions
It’s easy to assume that the end goal is to convince yourself that you really are “good enough.”
And if you’re able to do that by embracing your inherent value, that’s amazing!
But often what happens is people get trapped in an endless internal debate between the “worthy” and “unworthy” voices. And sometimes the more we try to shut up that negative inner chatter, the louder it becomes
Instead, you can work on opting out of the conversation entirely.
Notice and name times when your mind is questioning your value. Call out that way of thinking.
“Hmm, I notice my brain is wondering whether I’m good enough. There are parts of me saying that I need to prove my value.”
But don’t feel obligated to argue back. Remember that thoughts aren’t facts. Let them come and go. Just because your mind says something doesn’t mean it’s true.
Instead, focus your energy on taking action that will help you create the life you want. (More on that soon…)
Work on Self-Compassion
Self-compassion means speaking and acting toward yourself with kindness.
Everyone deserves self-compassion - it’s not something we need to earn. Even in your darkest moments, you can choose to respond to yourself in a gentle way.
Self-compassion can feel really uncomfortable at first. Especially if you’re used to negative self-talk. But it’s a skill that we can improve with practice.
Here’s a two-step exercise for promoting self-compassion, from author and therapist Russ Harris.
Acknowledge the pain
Use kind words
To give some examples:
It’s scary to have so many people relying on you. It makes sense that you feel overwhelmed.
You’re really anxious right now. Lots of people struggle with this kind of thing.
Your heart is broken. That’s a big loss.
Check out this article for more info and tips on self-compassion.
Lead with Your Actions
Your core beliefs invite you to behave in certain ways. But they don't control you.
Think about this: If you finally believed that you were “good enough,” what would you do differently? How would you live your life?
Identify a specific goal or activity that is meaningful to you. Then break that goal down to the smallest possible next step.
What’s one thing you could do to move closer to that vision?
Even when that inner voice tries to hold you back, you still have the choice to act in ways that support your dream life.
Registered Psychologists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Interested in starting counselling? Navigation Psychology offers in-person counselling in Saskatoon and virtual services across Saskatchewan.
We support clients dealing with a variety of concerns, including perfectionism, anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Get started by booking a free 20-minute consultation call.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
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Reflect on fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
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