Have Trouble Accepting Compliments? Compliments & Perfectionism
How do you feel when somebody compliments you?
Do you appreciate the recognition? Or get super uncomfortable?
Maybe you’ve reacted to a compliment with something like this: “It was nothing. I’ve still got a long way to go.”
For people dealing with perfectionism, compliments present an interesting paradox.
On one hand, you’re working really hard to achieve success and get approval from others. But on the other hand, you feel awkward when your efforts are actually recognized.
So what’s this disconnect about?
Let’s explore why compliments are so challenging with perfectionism.
Perfectionism
People living with perfectionism feel intense pressure to meet high expectations, as though everything they do should be flawless. And they’re super self-critical when they (inevitable) fall short of these impossible standards. They tend to focus on their weaknesses, minimize their strengths, and hold onto every mistake.
Perfectionism also makes people highly conscious of how they come across to others. They strive to make a positive impression, even if that means hiding how they’re really doing.
Perfectionism can lead to stress, anxiety, and a constant feeling of “not good enough.” Even when by many measures a person is doing well.
Perfectionism & Compliments
If people dealing with perfectionism are so driven by achievements and positive approval, why do they struggle with accepting compliments?
Here are 4 reasons to consider.
Unrealistic Standards
With perfectionism, the standards you’re trying to reach are so unrealistic that it’s impossible to achieve them consistently.
You see yourself as repeatedly falling short. So when someone compliments you, it feels completely at odds with your view of things.
According to perfectionism, you haven’t earned any legitimate compliments until you’ve perfectly achieved every possible outcome.
Constant Self-Criticism
Perfectionism turns you into your own worst critic. Every action, every result, every compliment gets picked apart through the lens of self-criticism.
You tend to notice your flaws and weaknesses. You ruminate on all the mistakes you’ve made. If you see your strengths at all, you likely dismiss them as not important or valuable.
Positive words from others can feel totally detached from your usual inner dialogues.
So perhaps you question whether the person is being sincere. Or assume they just don’t know you well enough.
The perfectionist tendency to devalue your achievements and self-worth makes accepting compliments a real challenge.
Fear of Disappointment
Perfectionism is not just about meeting our own expectations, but seeking approval from others. We want external validation to confirm that we’re measuring up.
At the same time, it’s scary to get positive acknowledgement.
Because now it feels like the stakes are even higher for you. Now you have something to lose.
After getting a compliment, you might notice yourself thinking:
What if I can’t keep this up and people get disappointed? Or what if they realize I was an imposter all along?
Fear of Settling
Perfectionism tells you that you need to be constantly improving. Even when you’ve just reached one goal, there’s always another milestone to achieve.
Many people assume that self-criticism is motivating. That you should beat yourself up to keep pushing forward.
And if you’re caught up in all-or-nothing thinking, you may believe that if you accept compliments and acknowledge even the smallest success, you’ll get complacent. You’ll lose all motivation and focus.
So you get stuck in that self-critical energy, thinking that’s what will drive you to finally meet expectations.
No Wins with Perfectionism
This paradox with compliments shows how perfectionism is a no-win situation.
Whether you’re struggling or striving, there are dangers. Whether people think positively or negatively of you, there are risks.
No matter what you do. No matter what compliments or accolades you get from others. Perfectionism will never let you feel good enough.
It’s super important to acknowledge the impossibility of perfectionism. You can’t overcome it by collecting more achievements. You’ll never reach these unrealistic standards.
Instead, you need to work against the instincts of perfectionism.
Two ways to do that include purposefully identifying your own strengths, and accepting positive words from others. These are skills you can practice getting more comfortable with over time.
Registered Psychologists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Interested in starting counselling? Navigation Psychology offers in-person counselling in Saskatoon and virtual services across Saskatchewan.
We support clients dealing with a variety of concerns, including perfectionism, anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Get started by booking a free 20-minute consultation call.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
Get examples of how perfectionism can impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions
Reflect on fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
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