Self-Compassion: How to Give Yourself a Break
Whenever I mention self-compassion, people cringe. They visibly, physically cringe.
Clearly, there’s something about self-compassion that makes us uncomfortable!
I wonder if people are picturing some extreme form of positivity, where they have to look in the mirror and tell themselves how gorgeous, amazing, and spectacular they are.
Plus self-criticism seems to be more socially acceptable than self-compassion. In our competitive, individualist society, there’s so much pressure to identify and improve on our flaws. We don’t want to be seen as too “full of ourselves” by talking about our successes.
Depending on how we grew up, we might be more used to hearing criticism than praise. Often we internalize the negative messages we’ve received from other people, like parents, teachers, or coaches. We end up repeating these familiar messages in our self-talk. So receiving positive comments can feel strange when it’s not something we’re used to.
I’ve noticed that many people assume that self-criticism is the best way to motivate themselves to change. They believe that if they don’t use “tough love,” they’ll get complacent instead of going after their goals. So their self-criticism may be well intended in some ways.
Finally, many people seem to struggle deep down with the idea that they deserve kindness from themselves or others. When we're not feeling very good about ourselves, even a small compliment or kind word can feel fake.
Why Self-Criticism is a Problem
Though self-criticism may be more familiar to us, it can have toxic effects on our well-being.
Self-criticism can bring up all kinds of negative emotions, like shame, anger, frustration, and guilt. These emotions are often difficult to manage, so people may turn to unhelpful coping strategies, like numbing themselves by overspending, zoning out online, or using drugs or alcohol.
Self-criticism can also feed a desire to hurt oneself, through self-harm or by withholding positive experiences and self-care. If you’re focused on all the ways you’re falling short, you may feel like you don’t deserve to get that massage or take a day off. Even when you’re totally exhausted.
And when we’re beating ourselves up over mistakes and setbacks, those negative events become all that we see. It’s like we put blinders on, so that we only notice the things that go wrong. We may barely even register positive moments. And have trouble identifying our strengths or celebrating small wins.
This narrow focus supports a pretty unbalanced perspective on life. Self-criticism makes obstacles seem bigger than they actually are. And can leave us feeling helpless to overcome them.
So while many people assume that self-criticism will be motivating, it often has the opposite effect. It can discourage us from pursuing our goals, taking risks, and pushing through challenges. Because we’re thinking, “Why bother? I’m not going to succeed anyway.”
Self-criticism can also negatively affect our relationships. Often we expect other people to judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves. We might feel anxious in social interactions, since we’re preoccupied with worrying about what other people think. Self-criticism makes it uncomfortable for us to be vulnerable, which can limit the intimacy in our relationships. And sometimes we start to isolate ourselves from others, thinking that we need to hide our flaws.
Self-criticism can negatively impact our sense of self. If all we’re seeing are mistakes and failures, we’re likely going to view ourselves as deficient in some way. Self-criticism can get us thinking that we’re “not good enough” and that there’s no hope for us to change.
Research has found that high self-criticism is a risk factor for developing mental health concerns, including depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Recent studies also suggest that people who report high levels of self-criticism are less likely to make positive progress in counselling.
So while shifting away from self-criticism can be uncomfortable, it’s key to improving our well-being.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion involves relating to ourselves in caring, supportive ways, no matter what’s happening in our lives.
Self-compassion is often contrasted with self-esteem. Self-esteem, as people usually understand it, links our worth to our achievements. We’re more likely to have positive self-esteem when we’re doing well at work, school, or home.
But what happens when we’re struggling? Since self-esteem is conditional, it falls apart when we’re going through tough times. With self-compassion, we commit to treating ourselves with kindness even when we’re struggling. ESPECIALLY when we’re struggling.
Self-compassion is often explained by comparing how we talk to friends and family versus how we talk to ourselves. If a friend is going through a hard time, how do you support them? What kinds of things do you say?
And how do you talk to yourself when you’re faced with challenges? What sorts of words do you use?
Most people notice a huge difference between how they talk to others and how they talk to themselves. Like the difference between, “You did your best” and “You’re a complete idiot.”
But why? If we think that speaking to others in kind, warm, validating ways will be helpful for them, why don’t we provide the same support for ourselves?
This is the goal of self-compassion.
3 Parts of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristen Neff is considered the top expert on self-compassion. She breaks self-compassion into three components: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Mindfulness
To practice self-compassion, we need to be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations in the moment. It’s important that we’re able to notice and name what’s coming up for us at a given time.
For example: “I can tell that I’m feeling anxious about this project. My heart is racing right now. I notice that I’m thinking that I should have prepared more.”
The goal here isn’t to judge our thoughts and feelings, but to observe them. To be curious about what we’re experiencing.
Common Humanity
Self-criticism makes us feel alone in our struggles. Like we’re uniquely flawed and, for that reason, likely to be judged negatively by others.
Self-compassion involves recognizing that we’re human. We all make mistakes, have regrets, and go through hard times.
And anyone who is having difficulties deserves compassion. Including us.
For example: “It’s normal to feel stressed when there’s so much happening.”
Self-Kindness
Finally, self-compassion involves treating ourselves in gentle, validating ways.
For instance: “I’m doing the best I can.”
It’s easy to see how we can hurt other people with our words. But we also cause damage to ourselves when our self-talk is full of put-downs and insults.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
Like any skill, we can build self-compassion with practice.
Since changing our self-talk can be uncomfortable at first, it’s helpful to start by making small changes.
One way to ease into self-compassion is to begin with neutral thinking. Imagine that you’re about to give a presentation or lead a big meeting. Perhaps your usual style is to think about all the things that could go wrong. So the thought of saying something super optimistic like, “You can do it! You’ve got this,” probably makes you want to roll your eyes.
Experiment with self-talk that’s somewhere in the middle. For example: “I don’t know yet how things are going to go. But I can’t assume it will be negative. Guess I’ll have to do the presentation and see what happens.”
If your self-talk usually falls on the negative end of things, even shifting toward more neutral talk can have a big impact on your mood and well-being.
Self-Compassion Resources
If you’d like some guided self-compassion exercises to get you started, check out Dr. Neff’s website. I often use the “How Would You Treat a Friend” exercise with my clients.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for anxiety or perfectionism.
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“Should” Stories & Perfectionism
“Should” rules are the impossible standards and expectations that anxiety and perfectionism convince us we need to meet.
“I should be working out 5 days a week”
“I should be further along in my career”
“I should be the best partner, parent, friend, or employee out there”
“Should” rules become a problem when we:
Burn ourselves out trying to be everything to everyone
Beat ourselves up for not meeting unreasonably high standards
Focus on other people’s expectations vs. what’s important to us
If you’re tired of trying to live up to so many “shoulds,” download my free worksheet. It will help you reflect on what rules you’re pushing to meet, where they come from, and how they’re affecting your well-being.