Are You Sure? Seeking Reassurance to Cope with Anxiety
People who experience anxiety often seek reassurance from themselves and others.
Are we okay?
Can we really make it on time?
Are you sure the door was locked?
Let me just Google my symptoms to make sure it’s nothing serious
Anxiety tells us that uncertainty is unsafe. That we have to know EXACTLY what’s happening to feel secure. Otherwise, we fear that our worst-case scenarios could come true.
One way that we try to find certainty is by seeking reassurance. We look for information and opinions that will give us some comfort, convincing us that everything’s okay.
But seeking reassurance can trap us in a vicious cycle.
We try to escape the fear of the unknown by chasing reassurance, which gives us some short-term relief. We might feel better for a moment or two.
But then that feeling fades. Because there are so many situations when we really can’t know for sure. We can never be 100% certain about the future.
So our anxiety rises again. Now we need even more reassurance. And feel even more distressed if it’s not available.
Seeking reassurance is a normal human response to unknown situations. But it becomes a problem when we’re constantly chasing unrealistic promises and guarantees.
In this article, I’ll dive into reassurance-seeking behaviours in detail, so you can recognize when they’re happening, why they’re a problem, and what to do instead.
Examples of Reassurance Seeking
Some common ways to seek reassurance include asking questions, checking your thoughts with other people, doing endless research, and going over past events in your mind.
Reassurance-seeking actions can be quite direct, like asking someone outright what they think will happen. Or they can be more subtle, as we search for any signs or cues that might give us some comfort.
Here are some examples of reassurance seeking in action:
Asking your partner, “Are we okay” to make sure you haven’t done something to unintentionally hurt the relationship
Talking with a friend after a party, to see if they thought you said anything stupid
Making family members text you to let you know that they’ve arrived home safely
Monitoring a loved one’s location on your phone, because you feel more comfortable knowing exactly where they are
Checking that the doors are locked, the stove is turned off, and any electronics are unplugged several times before going to bed
Searching Dr. Google to see if your symptoms could be a sign of a serious health issue
Scouring websites and online discussions, reading other people’s stories to find a sense of certainty about your own experiences
Going back over past events in your head to see whether you made any mistakes
Planning escape routes wherever you go, so you know that there’s always an exit nearby
Looking for signs from the universe to confirm your decisions
Spending hours researching something before taking action
If you can relate to any of these habits as a way to deal with anxiety, keep reading to learn more about the downsides of reassurance.
Why is Reassurance a Problem?
Reassurance can seem like a helpful thing on the surface. And there are times when we’re able to check in about a situation and then feel more confident going forward.
But instead of helping with anxiety, relying on reassurance can actually make it worse, for several different reasons.
Seeking reassurance takes up time, energy, and other resources
Often, the more we seek reassurance, the more we need it. So we can use up a lot of our time and energy chasing that sense of certainty.
Like spending hours online researching something we’re unsure about. Getting second, third, or fourth opinions before making a decision. Or proofreading an email 20 times before sending it.
Seeking reassurance takes mental and physical energy away from the other things we could be doing, like relaxing, hanging out with friends, or getting some work done.
Reassurance only helps temporarily
Reassurance can provide us with short-term relief, but it doesn’t address what is often the main issue: We’re uncomfortable living with uncertainty.
While reassurance may help us feel more confident about one specific situation, the next time something unknown pops up, anxiety can take hold of us again.
Plus, we often find ways to poke holes in whatever reassurance we get. We notice how our situation is different from the one we’re comparing it to. Or ask even more “what if” questions, losing whatever sense of comfort we had at first.
Reassurance validates anxious thoughts
Reassurance can also feed into anxious thoughts, because we’re giving them more attention. We’re treating them as something that must be acted on, which gives these thoughts more power over time.
Seeking reassurance becomes a vicious cycle
When we seek reassurance and feel that initial drop in anxiety, the actions we’re taking get reinforced. We start to rely on reassurance as our primary way of coping with anxious thoughts. And feel more stressed when it’s unavailable to us for whatever reason. Like if you text a friend to help analyze a conversation you just had with someone, but they haven’t replied yet.
Also, we might start to think that the situations we worried about only turned out okay BECAUSE we got reassurance. Chasing reassurance can become a compulsive routine - something we have to do before we can move onto other things.
People who experience symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) engage in repetitive rituals to cope with anxious or intrusive thoughts. Reassurance-seeking behaviours can become a kind of ritual, which people feel compelled to perform in specific ways.
Seeking reassurance can strain relationships
Constantly going to other people for reassurance can also hurt these relationships. Our loved ones might get fed up with answering the same questions over and over. Or feel a sense of pressure to help us cope with stressful situations. Providing reassurance can take up a lot of their time and energy as well.
And our family and friends might feel torn about whether they’re actually helping us. It’s human to want to give reassurance when someone asks for it. But they may recognize that it’s not doing anything to help us deal with anxiety long term.
Are reassurance-seeking behaviours creating issues in your life? Next, I offer 4 tips on how to move away from reassurance as a go-to coping strategy.
How to Reduce Reassurance-Seeking Behaviours
Notice and name requests for reassurance
First, call out times when you’re seeking reassurance. These actions can be so automatic or habitual that you might not even realize when you’re doing them.
Get started by writing down some examples of times when you’ve sought reassurance in the past.
What was the situation?
What fears or worries were going through your mind?
And what did you do to seek reassurance?
Next, try to catch these behaviours in action. When you notice yourself wanting to soothe anxiety by doing research, asking questions, or checking things over - pause and acknowledge this behaviour in the moment.
For example: “I notice myself wanting to check my blood pressure, because I’m worried there’s something wrong with my heart.”
Hold off on seeking reassurance, one step at a time
Next, the aim is to pull back on seeking reassurance, little by little.
Identify one reassurance-seeking behaviour to start with. To continue the example above, imagine that you’re currently checking your blood pressure five times every day.
Set a goal for this target behaviour. Let’s say you only want to check your blood pressure once per month, so you can monitor your health without getting fixated on the numbers.
Now break that goal into smaller steps. First, you could limit yourself to taking your blood pressure four times each day. When you’re able to do that consistently, lower your limit to three daily checks, then continue to cut down from there.
It’s important to keep in mind that this process can be a bit uncomfortable. If you’re used to escaping anxiety by getting reassurance, you’ll likely notice an increase in anxiety at first.
But if you’re able to stick with this step-down approach, you’ll learn that you can cope with anxiety without relying on reassurance. And that you can move forward without needing 100% certainty.
Remember to take things gradually, so that you’re challenging yourself but not in a way that’s too overwhelming. If the next step you’ve planned feels like too much, break it down into smaller parts.
Here are some ways that you can pull back on reassurance-seeking behaviours over time:
Reducing the frequency (e.g., reducing how often you check your blood pressure from five to four times daily)
Limiting the duration (e.g., allowing yourself to do 45 minutes of research when you usually spend 60 minutes)
Delaying when you seek reassurance (e.g., waiting 5 minutes before asking your partner for reassurance, then increasing that delay to 10 minutes)
Build other coping strategies
It’s hard to move away from seeking reassurance when we don’t have more helpful coping skills to rely on. So work on building up positive strategies that you can turn to instead.
These strategies could include:
Moving your body
Getting outdoors
Using relaxation exercises
Spending time with friends
Cuddling your pets
Journalling
Reading
Listening to a podcast
Drawing, painting, or colouring
Doing something you enjoy, like cooking, playing a game, or listening to music
Seeing a psychologist or counsellor
Get friends and family on board
When loved ones play a role in giving you reassurance, it’s important to get them on board with this plan.
Explain why you’re trying to rely less on reassurance. You could even share this article with them. Let them know that you’re going to work on not asking for reassurance from them. And see if they’re willing to resist providing reassurance if you fall back into old habits. That way the reassurance-seeking behaviours will no longer be reinforced
Our loved ones might not know what to say instead, so come up with some go-to responses together. For example, if you ask your partner to confirm that the doors are locked, they could reply with something like: “I wonder if you’re asking for reassurance right now.”
Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to make these changes happen. But if your family and friends are able to support you along the way, this is one way they can help.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for anxiety.
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“Should” Stories & Perfectionism
“Should” rules are the impossible standards and expectations that anxiety and perfectionism convince us we need to meet.
“I should be working out 5 days a week”
“I should be further along in my career”
“I should be the best partner, parent, friend, or employee out there”
“Should” rules become a problem when we:
Burn ourselves out trying to be everything to everyone
Beat ourselves up for not meeting unreasonably high standards
Focus on other people’s expectations vs. what’s important to us
If you’re tired of trying to live up to so many “shoulds,” download my free worksheet. It will help you reflect on what rules you’re pushing to meet, where they come from, and how they’re affecting your well-being.
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