Perfectionism & Trauma: Be Perfect, Stay Safe?
For some people, perfectionism is a trauma response.
It’s a learned coping strategy that’s served them well in the past.
Maybe perfectionism has helped to keep them safe, get approval from others, or feel a much-needed sense of control over their lives.
But perfectionism also comes with its costs.
Especially when we continue to rely on perfectionism even when our lives and situations have changed.
In this article, I’ll lay out the relationship between trauma and perfectionism, and suggest some avenues for working through it.
Is Perfectionism Always About Trauma?
Before I go further, I want to clarify that perfectionism isn’t always about trauma. There are many different factors that fuel perfectionism, including genetics, temperament, and personality.
But as many people are not aware of the dynamic between trauma and perfectionism, I want to bring attention to it.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism involves an intense drive to meet extremely high standards in everything one does. People living with perfectionism tend to be self-critical, as if nothing they do is ever good enough. Perfectionism creates fears about falling short, making mistakes, and being rejected. It often leads to feelings of anxiety, disappointment, and shame.
Here are 3 different forms perfectionism can take:
Self-oriented perfectionism: Setting impossible standards for yourself
Socially-prescribed perfectionism: Feeling obligated to meet impossible standards set by others, like parents, relatives, or coaches
Other-oriented perfectionism: Projecting high expectations onto other people
As I’ll explain later, socially-prescribed perfectionism seems to have the strongest link with trauma.
What is Trauma?
Trauma speaks to the lasting impacts of a distressing or disturbing event. Trauma can be caused by one-off incidents, like a car accident or natural disaster. Or by ongoing experiences, like facing abuse or neglect throughout childhood.
Trauma can present in many different forms, including with physical, emotional, and psychological symptoms.
Here are some common responses to trauma:
Disturbing memories of the past, including nightmares or flashbacks
Avoiding people, places, or situations that bring up difficult memories
Feeling a sense of dread, as though something bad could happen any time
Negative emotions such as anxiety, helplessness, guilt, or shame
Negative thoughts, including fears about the future
Difficulties in relationships, like difficulties trusting others
Tendency to blame oneself for past events
Constant state of hypervigilance: Feeling on edge, unable to relax, or easily startled
Ongoing physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, stomach aches, or difficulties sleeping
Episodes of anxiety or panic, including racing heart rate, shortness of breath, chest pain, trembling, nausea, flushing, or sweating
Perfectionism and Trauma
Research suggests that trauma can be a predictor of perfectionism.
People likely learn to use perfectionism as a coping strategy for surviving difficult situations. Especially situations involving ongoing, long-term exposure to trauma.
Like growing up in an environment where everything you did was watched and criticized.
Or where you only got praise and affection when you achieved something major.
Perhaps you had to be responsible from a young age, because the adults in your family weren’t stepping up.
Or maybe you dealt with some big losses and scary situations, which has made life seem dangerous and unpredictable.
In these scenarios, perfectionism is a learned approach that serves a useful purpose, like:
Avoiding or limiting criticism, rejection, or violence
Earning approval and attention that was otherwise lacking
Taking care of your needs and the needs of others
Giving you a sense of control in an unpredictable environment
Pursuing success as a way to escape difficult circumstances
Of the three forms of perfectionism, studies suggests that socially-prescribed perfectionism is most strongly linked with trauma. This connection makes sense. With this form of perfectionism, people are striving to meet the standards that others set for them, for the reasons mentioned above.
Costs of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be a helpful coping skill at times, and in some situations. But it also has its downsides.
In another blog post, I outlined how perfectionism can negatively impact our mental health, physical health, relationships, and productivity.
Here’s a quick summary:
Mental health: Perfectionism puts us at risk of developing mental health concerns, like anxiety, depression, OCD, and eating disorders.
Physical health: Perfectionism has been linked with physical health issues like headaches, poor sleep, and cardiovascular disease.
Productivity and performance: Perfectionism can interfere with our productivity, leading us to achieve less because we’re working and studying less effectively.
Relationships: Perfectionism can have negative impacts on relationships, like contributing to increased conflict and decreased intimacy.
When the Costs Outweigh the Benefits
It’s important to reflect on the consequences of perfectionism, both good and bad.
While perfectionism might have been necessary for you at one time in your life, perhaps your circumstances have changed. Maybe you’ve moved on to new environments and new relationships, where striving for perfection is no longer required.
If you’re still using perfectionism as your primary coping strategy, the costs may now outweigh the benefits. Perhaps perfectionism isn’t as useful as it used to be.
Addressing Trauma and Perfectionism
So how can you work through trauma and perfectionism?
This journey will look different for everyone. I highly recommend working with a qualified mental health professional, who can support you in mapping out a personalized path.
In my work with clients, here are 5 areas we often explore.
1. Understanding the impacts of trauma
Trauma can show up in many different ways, like impacting your thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and behaviours.
Learning about trauma provides an important foundation for addressing it.
2. Unpacking the rules of perfectionism
Perfectionism often has us operating on unspoken rules that we feel obligated to meet.
I should always do everything right
I should never make mistakes
I should be the perfect child
We may not be consciously aware of the standards we’re striving toward. But they can still have a big impact on us.
Take some time to reflect and make the rules of perfectionism really clear. Then you can decide if these are expectations you actually want to hold yourself to.
3. Practicing self-compassion
Self-criticism is a common feature of both trauma and perfectionism. So key to working through these issues is learning to practice self-compassion, treating ourselves with kindness.
This is a tough skill to learn for many of us. Perhaps one way to start is by acknowledging everything you’ve been through, and remembering that you did the best you could in a tough situation.
4. Clarify your own values and beliefs
If you’re used to striving to meet the expectations of others, you might be unsure about what you actually want.
Take some time to define your own values and preferences.
What matters to you? What do you care about? What would your dream life look like?
These reflections can support us in creating a life that’s meaningful to us personally, even if that doesn’t align with other people’s expectations.
5. Challenge yourself to do things imperfectly
Practice makes imperfection more comfortable.
Push yourself outside your comfort zone by doing things that fall short of your usual standards.
Invite friends over even if your house isn’t perfectly clean. Limit the number of times you proofread an email before sending it. Break outside your usual routine for a day or two.
This strategy will likely be difficult at first, but it gives you a chance to learn some new lessons. Like that you can try, experiment, even fail, and things can still be okay.
Registered Psychologists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Interested in starting counselling? Navigation Psychology offers in-person counselling in Saskatoon and virtual services across the province of Saskatchewan. We support clients dealing with a variety of concerns, including anxiety, perfectionism, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Get started by booking a free 20-minute consultation call.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
Get examples of how perfectionism can impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions
Reflect on some fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
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