7 Ways Perfectionism Can Impact Counselling
The same issues that bring us to therapy often show up inside therapy.
Say I start seeing a counsellor because perfectionism has me thinking that I need to be good at absolutely everything I do.
Well, I might also feel pressure to be “good” at therapy. To be an A+ client and earn approval from my counsellor.
These parallels are common and expected, and definitely not a reason to avoid therapy.
In fact, these situations are really useful for promoting change.
They give us real-life examples of how whatever brought you to therapy is impacting you. And here-and-now opportunities to practice responding in new ways.
Here are 7 examples of how perfectionism can show up in counselling, and some ideas on working through them.
How Perfectionism Shows up In Therapy
1. Impossible Standards
With perfectionism, people tend to set super high expectations for themselves.
In therapy, this could look like expecting yourself to make all kinds of changes, all at once. Or to be immediately good at the new skills you’re learning in session.
These standards can get us caught in an “all or nothing” trap. Where we’re burning out from trying to do too much. Or we're getting stuck, feeling totally overwhelmed, unwilling to even try without a guarantee that we’ll succeed.
Instead, we want to identify realistic goals for counselling and understand that change tends to happen gradually, through small steps taken over time.
2. Self-criticism
Self-criticism is also common with perfectionism.
Perfectionism calls out our flaws and dwells on times when we fall back into old habits.
I’ve noticed that people often assume that self-criticism will be motivating in some way. That if they’re not beating themselves up, they’ll never change.
But in reality, self-criticism tends to derail your progress.
It’s discouraging to feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Or that you’ll never be “good enough,” no matter what you do.
Plus, self-criticism can amplify your body’s stress response, sending you into “fight or flight” mode. Which only makes it harder for you to take conscious steps toward your goals.
It’s helpful to practice acknowledging your strengths and successes in counselling. Often you’re making progress that perfectionism tries to keep hidden.
Celebrating small wins can keep you motivated, and give you good ideas on how to repeat those positive moments.
3. Fears of failure
Perfectionism is often driven by a fear of failure. Perfectionism tells us that if we don’t measure up, a whole list of terrible things will happen.
I’ll get fired, my partner will leave me, I’ll fail all my classes.
In counselling, perfectionism can get you focused on avoiding mistakes and protecting your image. This will make it difficult for you to take risks, experiment, and try new things.
But that’s what it takes to break out of familiar patterns.
Work on giving yourself permission to make mistakes in therapy. Find small ways to go outside your comfort zone, a little at a time. Even if that feels uncomfortable at first.
Keep in mind that when we’re avoiding failure, we may also be missing out on opportunities.
4. Fears of rejection
Also at the heart of perfectionism are fears of rejection.
These fears make us highly aware of how we’re interacting with others. And can motivate us to change our behaviour to get their approval.
In therapy, perfectionism can make it challenging for you to be vulnerable. Especially when it comes to sharing thoughts and emotions that make you feel uncomfortable.
Maybe you notice yourself trying to please your therapist. Like saying what you think they want to hear, even when it doesn’t fit your experience.
Or you catch yourself ruminating after your appointment, wondering how you came across, questioning whether you said something embarrassing or awkward.
Sometimes people living with fears of rejection find it difficult to receive feedback from their therapist. Because perfectionism tells us that even constructive suggestions equal failure.
Counselling is a great opportunity to practice new ways of relating to others, like opening up about what’s on your mind and being real about what you need.
5. Avoiding difficult conversations
Perfectionism and fears of rejection often interfere with direct communication. Like saying no, setting clear boundaries, or discussing issues in your relationships.
In counselling, you might have trouble letting your therapist know when you disagree with them. Or when they said something that didn't sit right with you. Or when you'd like to do things a bit differently in session.
It often feels easier in the moment to say nothing. But, just like in your other relationships, avoiding conflict makes it tough for you to get what you need in counselling.
Again, therapy is a great opportunity to practice new ways of communicating, like giving feedback or initiating sensitive conversations. These conversations can feel scary at first, but there are real benefits to addressing issues head-on instead of letting them fester.
6. Doubting yourself
Perfectionism undermines our self-trust and our ability to make decisions.
It convinces us that there’s one right choice to make in any situation. And that if we don’t make the correct decision, we’re putting our whole future at stake.
Often we end up trapped in our thoughts, playing out every possible outcome without ever taking action.
How can these doubts show up in counselling? You might notice yourself turning to your therapist for answers, hoping they’ll just tell you what to do. Or seeking their reassurance that everything will turn out okay.
But this isn't a realistic or sustainable approach to making decisions.
Your therapist can help you clarify what matters to you and support you in exploring your options. They can give suggestions on steps you can take when trying to make important decisions.
And you can work toward developing trust in yourself, while tolerating the uncertainty that comes with not knowing for sure how things will turn out.
7. Difficulties prioritizing yourself
Perfectionism can keep your schedule and “to-do” list full. It seems like there’s always something more productive you could be doing. Another goal you could be working toward. Something urgent you should be accomplishing.
People living with perfectionism typically find it hard to make time for their own self-care, including therapy.
Give yourself permission to focus on yourself and your well-being. Whether that’s getting a massage, blocking off time for extra sleep, or meeting with your counsellor.
You deserve to be a priority in your own life.
Registered Psychologists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Interested in starting counselling? Navigation Psychology offers in-person counselling in Saskatoon and virtual services across the province of Saskatchewan. We support clients dealing with a variety of concerns, including anxiety, perfectionism, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Get started by booking a free 20-minute consultation call.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
Get examples of how perfectionism can impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions
Reflect on some fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
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