“I Should Be Grateful”: When Gratitude Becomes Self-Criticism
Looking for ways to cope with difficult situations?
If you search for advice online or pick up a self-help book, you’ll see that practicing gratitude is often recommended.
The benefits of gratitude are well documented. Research suggests that gratitude is associated with higher levels of emotional well-being and positive emotions like joy, happiness, and life satisfaction.
Gratitude has been linked with lower levels of anxiety and depression.
It’s also been shown to help people maintain healthy relationships and build new connections with others.
Clearly, embracing gratitude is a powerful strategy for getting through tough times and creating a meaningful life.
But there are also ways that gratitude can be misused to invalidate emotions and feed self-criticism.
“I should be grateful. Other people have it harder. Things could be worse.”
Depending on how we approach gratitude, trying to “count our blessings” could leave us feeling dismissed and ashamed versus thankful.
In this article, I explore how to practice gratitude in a balanced way, so you can hopefully reap the benefits while avoiding some common pitfalls.
Gratitude Gone Wrong?
Here are two approaches to gratitude that can create issues.
Gratitude as “All or Nothing”
People often talk about gratitude in all-or-nothing terms. Like if they were “properly” thankful for the gifts in their life, they’d be free of negative emotions.
But that’s just not the case. Difficult feelings like anger, jealousy, frustration, disappointment, and sadness are part of human life. We’re all going to feel them sometimes. No matter how grateful we are.
Encouraging gratitude shouldn’t be about minimizing other emotions. Or pushing away thoughts and feelings that make us uncomfortable.
When we approach gratitude in this way, our efforts to cope effectively could actually backfire, as suppressing negative emotions can be hazardous for our health.
The term “toxic positivity” has become popular in recent years. When positivity is pushed as the only acceptable attitude, other kinds of experiences may be ignored or invalidated.
It’s valuable to seek a middle ground. Where we can acknowledge the ways we’re struggling and also be mindful about noticing positive moments when they happen.
Gratitude Guilt
The potential benefits of gratitude are well known at this point. We’ve all likely heard about how embracing gratitude can improve our well-being.
As a result, I’ve noticed that people often relate to gratitude in “should” terms. They treat it like yet another expectation they ought to be reaching, but are failing to achieve.
Often people are self-critical about not being “grateful enough.” Sometimes they dismiss their own struggles by pointing out that “other people have it worse.” Which leads to feelings of shame and guilt.
While practicing gratitude is valuable, it’s not always an easy thing to do. Our brains are wired to see problems and potential dangers. From an evolutionary perspective, there are advantages to spotting negative situations so we can try to keep ourselves safe.
And things will happen in life that we’re decidedly NOT grateful for. There’s no shame in not finding new strengths or learning opportunities in losing a loved one, dealing with a chronic health issue, facing discrimination, or struggling financially.
It’s unrealistic to be grateful at all times and about all things. So even if we want to work on embracing gratitude, it’s important that we’re gentle with ourselves along the way. And that we give ourselves permission to feel the full range of human emotions.
Next, I’ll give 3 tips for practicing gratitude in a balanced way.
3 Ways to Practice Gratitude without Minimizing Pain
Create Space for BOTH/AND
Thinking in extreme, all-or-nothing ways is rarely helpful. Whether that’s getting stuck in negative stories (where all we see are mistakes and misfortunes) or forcing positivity 100% of the time.
Human beings are complex, and so are our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. So try to create space for BOTH/AND perspectives.
You can feel happy for a friend with a great new job and frustrated about your own career.
You can miss someone from your past, while knowing the relationship ended for a reason.
You can be both excited and anxious about a new opportunity, all at the same time.
You can be grateful for what’s going well and acknowledge areas where you’re struggling.
Start with Self-Compassion
Many people turn to gratitude when they’re struggling with difficult thoughts of feelings. As I’ve discussed, gratitude can be twisted into something toxic when we use it to suppress uncomfortable emotions.
Instead, it’s important to acknowledge our struggles and practice self-compassion.
Take a moment to notice and name your emotions, positive or negative. Pay attention to the sensations happening in your body. Acknowledge whatever difficulties you’re facing right now, without judgement.
For example: “I move next week and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stop thinking about everything I need to do. I notice myself worrying about what could go wrong. My stomach is in knots.”
Then, respond to yourself like you would if you were supporting a close friend. With kindness and empathy.
For example: “Change can be stressful. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed.”
Sometimes people fear that acknowledging negative feelings will keep them trapped in those experiences. But difficult emotions don’t disappear when we ignore them. In fact, they often fester until we can’t hold them inside anymore
Noticing and acknowledging challenging experiences as they’re happening gives us an opportunity to respond effectively.
Expand to Gratitude
Think of gratitude as a way to expand your thinking. The goal isn’t to push out negative perspectives, but to widen your focus so you can see all the different aspects of experience.
While forced positivity isn’t helpful, neither is focusing only on what goes wrong.
Start with acknowledging difficult emotions and using self-compassion. Then take a moment to pause and reflect on one thing you’re grateful for. No matter how small.
For example: “I’m excited to get settled in my new home.”
“I’m happy to have good friends who support me.”
“This change has been tough AND hopefully will give me a fresh start.”
Start small, and don’t be self-critical if gratitude is tough to access. In that case, double-down on self-compassion.
“It’s hard for me to see the positives. That’s okay. This is where I’m at right now.”
Creating space for all our experiences - including both pain and gratitude - is key to coping with life’s challenges.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for perfectionism or anxiety.
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