When Routines Become a Trap for Perfectionism
Creating a routine.
This is one of the most common tips given when it comes to self-care. Morning routines, skin care routines, routines for exercise, laundry, meal prep, or meditation.
Routines can provide us with a helpful sense of structure, reduce the number of decisions we have to make in a day, and keep us on track for getting things done.
For lots of people, routines are useful and necessary for building the habits that support our mental and physical health.
But routines can become a trap for people living with perfectionism. They can quickly turn from general guidelines for a productive day to all-or-nothing, must-do-at-all-costs rules.
Let’s explore 4 challenges that come up when routines meet perfectionism. Then I’ll give 6 suggestions on how to benefit from routines while staying flexible.
When Routines Become a Problem for Perfectionism
Chasing the Perfect Routine
When it comes to perfectionism, the standards we’re striving to meet are always increasing. No matter how much we achieve, the bar gets raised even higher over time.
As soon as we have one routine down, perfectionism convinces us that we need to do even more.
I’m already journaling every day, but should I also be practicing gratitude? I usually get up at 7am, but that self-help guru says that starting at 5am is ideal.
When perfectionism takes over, we end up using a massive amount of time and energy trying to optimize our schedules. And we often become self-critical when - inevitably, because we’re human - we’re not able to do things in the most efficient way every time.
While creating general routines is helpful, we run into problems when this becomes a constant chase for perfection.
Seeing Routines as the Answer to Everything
People dealing with perfectionism often assume that if they master the perfect routine, everything else will just fall into place. They’ll never have to motivate themselves to clean or exercise or go to sleep early again. They’ll have self-care figured out, once and for all.
This belief only fuels that chase for perfect routines.
The truth is, self-care often takes work. Routines and habits certainly help us maintain some behaviours more easily over time. But motivation tends to ebb and flow, no matter how carefully we structure our lives.
Treating Routines as “All or Nothing”
Routines often become an “all or nothing” issue with perfectionism. We believe that we need to follow routines perfectly or we’ve failed. If we can’t do things to their full extent, we might as well quit.
This approach makes us more likely to burn out trying to make a million different lifestyle changes all at once.
Or to give up on helpful routines, even when we’re making progress. While my goal might be to take walks during my lunch break three times a week, even walking once is a step in the right direction. So it’s important that I don’t give up because I’m not hitting my initial goal.
Problems Adapting when Routines aren’t Possible
Another challenge with perfectionism is that sometimes we have trouble coping when we can’t stick to our usual routines.
For example, say I’m turning down invitations to spend time with friends because I’ve created a very particular meal prep routine that I don’t want to disrupt.
Sometimes we rely on doing things the same way over and over again, because trying something new or different makes us uncomfortable.
Or we get anxious, worried, or cranky when things don’t go to plan. Especially due to reasons outside our control.
When taken to the extreme, routines can become compulsions. Rituals that we *need* to do in order to feel “right.” Even when that activity might not be what we actually need or want at a given time.
So how can we use routines effectively without letting perfectionism take over?
6 Tips for Creating Routines While Staying Flexible
1. Focus on one to two priorities at a time
Perfectionism often tells us that we need to change everything about ourselves all at once. But this just isn’t a sustainable or realistic approach. Pick the top 1-2 areas where you’d like to create some more structure and focus there for now.
2. Set realistic expectations
Keep in mind what will be realistic for you to maintain. Try not to set impossible expectations right from the start. Remember that taking even small steps can help us gain momentum and move toward our goals.
3. Check in with your needs each day
Self-care is most effective when we can identify and then meet our specific needs at a given time.
Sometimes we need to slow down and sometimes we need to push ourselves outside our comfort zone. Some days we’ll benefit from connecting with friends, while other days we’re better off taking some time alone.
Setting a rigid self-care routine doesn’t acknowledge how our needs can change over time, even from day to day.
Check in with yourself regularly and try to meet your needs as best you can. Don’t just do things the same way as usual because you feel obligated.
4. Mix up your routines on purpose
If you’re starting to feel too stuck in routines, challenge yourself to change things up on a regular basis.
Do things in a different order one day. Purposefully skip a step or two. Try out a new activity or location, just to go outside your comfort zone.
This practice might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a good sign that you could benefit from some more flexibility.
5. Celebrate your successes
It’s easy to focus on what’s not going well, while ignoring the areas where we’re making progress. Be intentional about noticing your moments of success, even - or especially - the small ones. Just because we struggle at times doesn’t cancel out all the positive steps we take.
6. Focus on the journey
Life is always changing, and so will our goals, habits, and routines. Self-care is not an end goal that we can achieve and check off the to-do list, once and for all.
Instead of pushing for specific outcomes or achievements, try to embrace the journey of taking care of yourself in all kinds of different ways.
Free Mini Course: When is Perfectionism a Problem?
Wondering if perfectionism is an issue in your life?
Get clear on what perfectionism is, how it shows up day to day, and when it becomes a problem.
Use the video lesson and workbook to:
Understand 4 key aspects of perfectionism
Get examples of how perfectionism can impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions
Reflect on some fears people often have about giving up perfectionism
Therapy for Perfectionism in Saskatchewan
Feeling trapped by the strict rules and impossible expectations of perfectionism? Learn more about counselling for perfectionism at Navigation Psychology. We also support people who are dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. We offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.