Fear the Unknown? 5 Tips for Tolerating Uncertainty
Uncertainty is part of life.
From small everyday decisions to major life-changing events, we can never really be sure how things will turn out.
And this uncertainty can be super uncomfortable. Especially for people who deal with anxiety or perfectionism.
When we don’t know what’s going to happen, our brain automatically goes to the worst-case outcome.
What if something bad happens? What if I get hurt? What if I fail? What if I let people down?
Cue that overwhelming sense of dread. That feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that tells you something terrible is right around the corner. Maybe you even find yourself thinking, “I don’t care what happens, I just want to know either way!”
We’re wired to use what we’ve learned from past experiences to prepare for the future. This is an important skill for sidestepping danger and promoting our survival.
But, most of the time, we just CAN’T predict what’s coming next. No matter how hard we try. And in situations of uncertainty, we tend to overestimate the chance of negative outcomes. Which only feeds into our anxiety.
Common Strategies for Avoiding Uncertainty
Because we’re so uncomfortable with uncertainty, we use a few different strategies to avoid it. We look for ways to gain a sense of certainty or control, even for a moment.
Here are some common ways we try to escape uncertainty:
Researching or gathering information on unknown situations. Like touring a new place on Google street-view before going there in person
Scheduling and planning as many details as possible
Rehearsing conversations in your mind ahead of time
Checking things repeatedly, like checking that the doors are locked, the stove turned off, and your hair straightener unplugged before leaving home
Seeking reassurance from other people (e.g., “What do you think? Are you sure that won’t happen? Tell me things will be okay”)
Reassuring yourself (e.g., “It has to work out. Nothing bad can happen”)
Staying away from new or unknown situations. Like avoiding unfamiliar people or places
Why These Strategies Don’t Work
These strategies give us an ILLUSION of control over the future. And a short-term sense of relief from the anxiety of “not knowing.”
But this feeling doesn’t last for long. Deep down, we know that we can’t say for sure what the future will bring. And the more we fight that idea, the scarier it becomes.
We get caught up in a constant pursuit of certainty. Use up precious time and energy trying to predict the future. Miss out on new experiences because we’re not sure what to expect. Or panic when things don’t go as planned.
Avoidance only provides temporary relief from the unknown, while fueling bigger and bigger fears of uncertainty over time.
Tolerating Uncertainty
A more productive approach to dealing with uncertainty is learning to tolerate it. Accepting that there are many things we can’t know for sure. Trusting that we can cope with situations if they happen, even the frustrating, sad, or disappointing ones. And being flexible so that we can adapt to changing situations in the moment.
5 Tips for Tolerating Uncertainty
Here are 5 tips for getting more comfortable with uncertainty:
1. Acknowledge that uncertainty is part of life
We can’t know how things are going to turn out. Even if the meteorologist guarantees sunny weather, we might be surprised with an unexpected storm.
Try not to use your time and energy fighting against this idea. Instead, acknowledge that uncertainty is something we need to deal with. We don’t have to like uncertainty, but we can learn to live with it.
2. Notice and validate any discomfort
Pause to notice and name the anxiety, fear, or distress that comes with uncertainty.
What kind of thoughts go through your mind? What fears or worries do you have about the future? What happens in your body when you’re faced with uncertainty?
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable in unknown situations. So be kind to yourself and validate the difficult emotions that come with “not knowing.”
For example: “This is hard for me. It’s scary not knowing if things will work out. My thoughts are racing and my body feels all tense.”
3. Resist your usual escape strategies
Pay attention to your typical ways of dealing with uncertainty.
Do you jump right to Google to research all possible outcomes? Poll your friends and family to see what they think will happen? Plan all the details down to the minute, to feel some semblance of control?
Try to resist this kind of avoidance. Hold off on jumping into your usual strategies, even when it feels uncomfortable.
If you can’t resist these behaviours entirely, start by delaying avoidance tactics for a few minutes at a time.
4. Distinguish between what you can and can’t control
Reflect on what’s within versus outside your control in a given situation. In times of uncertainty, we often waste energy trying to control things we actually have no influence over.
5. Act in ways that matter to you, with the information you have right now
Then when it comes to taking action, focus on those things you can control. And get really clear on what’s important to you in the big picture.
The best we can do in any unknown situation is use the information we have, here and now, to act in ways that align with our goals and values.
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About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for perfectionism or anxiety.
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