Social Anxiety: What it Is and How to Cope With It
Getting nervous leading up to social events
Trying to plan out full conversations ahead of time
Going back over recent interactions in your mind to make sure you didn’t say anything rude or embarrassing
Asking your friends or family members about how you came across at the party last night
These can be signs of social anxiety in action.
Keep reading to learn more about social anxiety and get two key strategies for overcoming it.
What is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety, as the name suggests, involves fears and worries about social interactions, as well as physical symptoms and changes in behaviour.
Fears and Worries
People experiencing social anxiety worry a lot about what other people think of them. And they typically expect the worst. They may fear being judged or rejected by others, or worry about doing something inappropriate or embarrassing.
Connecting with others is a core human need. Our brains are wired to seek belonging, as community has been crucial for our survival over time.
It’s understandable to be conscious of our relationships, and mindful of how our behaviour could impact those around us.
But with social anxiety, worries about social relationships take up significant time and energy and become difficult to control. These repetitive thoughts are highly stressful and impact how we relate to others.
Two styles of thinking that play powerful roles in social anxiety are “mind reading” and “catastrophizing.”
Mind Reading
This thinking style happens when we jump to conclusions about what other people are thinking, assuming that we can read their minds. And typically we assume the worst.
For example:
“Jack hasn’t responded to my text yet. He’s probably mad at me”
“My boss asked for a meeting next week. She’s unhappy with my performance”
“I shouldn’t have made that comment about the weather. Now everyone thinks I’m stupid”
If we truly believe that other people view us negatively, it makes sense that we’d feel anxious around them. How we understand a situation impacts how we feel about it and how we respond.
The problem with mind reading is that we don’t really know what other people are thinking. Our assumptions could be wrong. The other person could just as easily be thinking positively about us. Or their thoughts could be on something else entirely!
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing involves predicting worst-case scenarios and expecting that we won’t be able to cope with them. With this thinking style, people assume that something bad is likely to happen at any time.
For example":
“What if I trip onstage and everyone laughs at me?”
“I probably said the wrong thing and now all my friends hate me”
“What if I make a mistake in front of my boss and get fired?”
Catastrophizing is a common thinking trap across different forms of anxiety, such as health anxiety, relationship anxiety, and driving anxiety.
Like with mind-reading, it makes sense that we’d feel on edge if we’re expecting all kinds of horrible, awful things to happen.
But catastrophizing is an unhelpful thinking style because we use up precious time and energy anticipating situations that rarely come true.
Physical Symptoms
In addition to fears and worries, social anxiety involves physical symptoms, like racing heart rate, shortness of breath, chest pain, restlessness, trembling, sweating, blushing, difficulty sleeping, and nausea.
These symptoms can become a source of anxiety themselves. Many people living with social anxiety describe feeling self-conscious about other people noticing their physical responses. They may worry about embarrassing themselves because they’re, for example, sweating or blushing. Worrying about these physical symptoms can then increase their overall anxiety, creating a vicious cycle.
Changes in Behaviour
People often change their behaviour in response to social anxiety. These changes could include:
Avoiding social events or limiting how long they stay
Socializing only with trusted people or in familiar places
Planning excessively ahead of time (e.g., rehearsing conversations)
Gathering as much information as possible (e.g., asking who else will at an upcoming party, researching the location)
Staying quiet at social events, particularly in larger groups
Seeking reassurance from family and friends (“Did I seem awkward yesterday?”)
Using alcohol or drugs to mask anxiety or for “liquid courage”
For people living with social anxiety, these behaviours can negatively impact their personal and professional lives. People often report feeling disconnected from friends and family, particularly when they’ve been avoiding social interactions. Some people describe making decisions about their work or studies around social anxiety. For example, someone living with social anxiety might turn down a promotion if the new job involves giving presentations or hosting meetings.
When social anxiety is high, people can have trouble doing everyday activities like leaving their home, getting groceries, going to work, or attending class.
When Does Social Anxiety Happen?
Social anxiety can occur before, during, or after social interactions.
Some people feel especially nervous before an event, but are able to settle in once it starts.
Social anxiety can last throughout social interactions, making it difficult for someone to “be themselves” around others, particularly new people. They may find themselves stumbling over their words or staying quiet to avoid the spotlight.
For some, social anxiety escalates after they’ve left an event. They end up going over and over recent conversations in their mind, beating themselves up for everything they said. Some people living with social anxiety even describe ruminating on social interactions that happened years earlier.
While social anxiety can occur in any situation, some common triggers include:
Meeting new people or going to a new place
Attending large parties or gatherings
Giving a speech or presentation
Performing in front of others
Walking past a group of strangers
Being seen eating or drinking
Making phone calls
Starting conversations
Asking questions or asking for help
Saying no or expressing an opinion
Coping with Social Anxiety
Labelling Unhelpful Thoughts
An important step in dealing with social anxiety is to notice and label thoughts that feed into it, especially mind-reading and catastrophizing.
Pay attention to times when you’re worrying about social events, experiencing physical symptoms (e.g., racing heart rate, nausea, sweating), or avoiding interactions with others.
Check in with your thoughts. What kind of messages or stories are going through your mind? Are you doing any mind-reading? What about catastrophizing?
Try to act as an observer of your thoughts and call out what you notice.
For example: “I notice that I’m putting off RSVPing to Devi’s birthday party. I’m picturing myself at the party, standing awkwardly off to the side with no one to talk to (i.e., catastrophizing). I’m having the thought that none of her other friends like me (i.e., mind reading)”
Once you’re able to notice these thoughts in action, remind yourself that thoughts aren’t facts. Just because we think something doesn’t mean it’s true, realistic, or helpful.
Doing Gradual Exposure
One of the most effective ways to work through social anxiety is to gradually take steps outside your comfort zone.
Start by identifying a goal you’d like to reach.
Example goal: Giving a presentation to my work group of 10 people.
Then write down all the steps you could take to prepare for that goal.
Give each step a rating. Ask yourself: On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being no anxiety at all and 10 being the most anxiety you could imagine - How anxious would you feel completing that step?
Arrange the steps in order from least challenging to most challenging.
Example steps:
Practicing the presentation alone (1/10)
Practicing in front of a mirror (2/10)
Doing an audio recording of the presentation (4/10)
Doing a video recording of the presentation (5/10)
Presenting to a close friend (6/10)
Presenting to two colleagues (7/10)
Presenting to a group of 5 friends (8/10)
Start with the least challenging step you’ve identified and practice that action until you feel comfortable doing it. Then repeat this process with the next practice activity.
Know that you’ll likely feel uncomfortable each time you take on a new step. That’s to be expected, since you’re going outside your usual comfort zone. Resist the urge to escape or avoid the situation. If it’s too challenging, identify a smaller step that you can take first.
If you’re able to stick with this process, over time you’ll be taking on situations you never thought you could.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for anxiety.
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