Perfectionism and The Fawn Response to Stress and Trauma
You’ve likely heard of fight, flight, and freeze.
But what about fawn?
If you describe yourself as a “people pleaser,” you’ll likely relate to this concept.
Fawning is a term used in the context of trauma and stress responses. These responses speak to how we instinctively react to perceived threats and challenges.
The fawn response involves a strong desire to please others, seek approval, and avoid conflict. We tend to prioritize the needs of others over our own, often to a problematic extent.
Most of us show fawn responses at times.
Healthy coping involves using each of the Four Fs when they’re necessary and useful. After all, these responses are intended to help protect us from danger.
But issues can come up when we become entrenched in repetitive patterns. When we constantly default to habitual stress responses even when they’re not serving us well.
I’ve noticed lots of overlap between fawning and perfectionism. While they’re separate concepts, they share some key things in common.
In this article, I’ll explain how fawn responses connect with perfectionism. And I’ll offer 6 tips on moving away from fawning as a go-to response to more flexibly handle difficult situations.
The Four Fs
Trauma and stress responses are physiological and psychological reactions that arise when we’re faced with a possible threat or overwhelming situation.
These responses are part of our body’s built-in security system, designed to help us recognize danger and do what we can to survive.
Experts have identified 4 key stress responses, known as the Four Fs.
Fight: This response involves confronting the stressor or threat head-on. It can manifest as aggression, assertiveness, irritability, or a strong desire to overcome the challenge as soon as possible.
Flight: Flight is an instinct to escape or avoid the stressor. You may feel a strong urge to flee the situation physically or emotionally, or to put off dealing with it as long as possible.
Freeze: The freeze response involves becoming immobile or paralyzed in the face of stress or trauma. It’s a natural instinct to stay still and avoid drawing attention to yourself.
Fawn: This response is defined by seeking to appease others, gain approval, and avoid conflict as a way of coping with stress.
Check out this article for more details on the fight, flight, and freeze responses. And here’s an even deeper dive into how you can get stuck in freeze mode.
The Fawn Response
The concept of fawning was popularized by therapist and trauma expert, Pete Walker, in his book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.”
With the fawn response, people protect themselves by being overly helpful and cooperative.
Walker described the following as the “implicit code” of fawn responses:
“It is safer [1] to listen than to talk, [2] to agree than to dissent, [3] to offer care than to ask for help, [4] to elicit the other than to express yourself and [5] to leave choices to the other rather than to express preferences.”
Fawning becomes a problem when people are routinely:
Pushing aside their own thoughts, feelings, and needs
Confused about what they want because they’re so focused on other people
Giving all their time and energy to helping others, without caring for themselves
Putting up with negative treatment because they’re uncomfortable saying no or setting boundaries
Beating themselves up for being selfish or never doing “enough” for others
Ideally, we can find a balance in navigating difficult situations, where we can both listen and express our opinions, offer and accept help, and consider compromises while still asserting our basic limits.
How Habitual Fawn Responses Develop
The Four Fs are all normal, instinctive responses to stress. Each one serves an important purpose in promoting our survival.
But our lived experiences can impact how, when, and how intensely we move into these modes.
Fawning can develop as a coping mechanism for people who have experienced trauma, as a way to navigate and survive in challenging relationships.
Perhaps you learned that keeping others happy was the best way to protect yourself. You got really good at reading people, so you could anticipate their needs and deal with situations before they became a bigger problem.
Maybe you learned that conflict was unsafe, leading to the silent treatment, tension, or violence. So you’ve avoided it at all costs.
People who have experienced trauma, particularly childhood trauma, can develop fawning as a habitual coping style. This may be their go-to response for every situation.
They default to fawn mode even when they’ve moved onto other relationships or environments. Or when another response would be more helpful.
For example, say a colleague is treating you badly at work. Speaking up and setting limits (a healthy version of a fight response) would likely help address the problem versus just going along with things to keep the peace.
So people living with the effects of trauma are more likely to revert to a familiar stress response, a habitual style.
They also tend to be hypervigilant, always watching out for potential threats. So they may perceive certain situations (like bickering with a partner) as dangerous when others wouldn’t.
But not everyone who struggles with habitual fawning has a history of trauma.
Let’s be honest: Society rewards people for being agreeable and compliant, especially with authority figures.
If people are positively reinforced for fawning in their early years, they may return to that coping style over time.
But this path leaves them with fewer chances to practice other skills, like how to navigate conflict effectively.
Now let’s explore the relationship between fawning and perfectionism.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism involves a relentless pursuit of high standards and an intense fear of failure. People dealing with perfectionism set unrealistic goals for themselves and experience high levels of anxiety and self-criticism.
There are 3 different styles of perfectionism:
Self-oriented perfectionism: Holding impossible expectations for yourself
Socially prescribed perfectionism: Perceiving that other people, or society in general, sets high standards for you
Other-oriented perfectionism: Expecting perfection from others
Click here to read more about these types of perfectionism.
Perfectionism and problematic fawn responses can intersect, particularly with socially prescribed perfectionism.
Fawn Responses and Perfectionism
Here are some areas of overlap.
Seeking Approval from Others
Perfectionism and fawn responses involve seeking approval from others.
In both cases, your goals and standards are defined externally, by what you think other people want from you. That means you tend to look to others for validation, to get some reassurance that you’re on track.
Driven by Fears like Rejection or Abandonment
Fawn responses and perfectionism are both motivated by underlying fears. You worry that if you don’t meet expectations or keep other people happy, some worst-case scenario will come true. Like being rejected, ridiculed, or judged as “not good enough.”
Operating at Extremes
These two concepts involve “all-or-nothing” assumptions.
For example, perfectionism tells you that you have to do everything perfectly or you’ll be seen as a failure.
With fawning, you assume that you have to satisfy others at all times, that you can’t care for both others and yourself, and that any conflict is negative.
Learned Coping Strategies
Both perfectionism and fawn responses can be learned coping strategies. As described above, for some people, these are patterned behaviours we develop as a form of self-preservation.
Click here to learn more about perfectionism and trauma.
Or keep reading for 6 tips on breaking out of fawn patterns.
How to Move Beyond Fawn Responses
Recognize fawn mode
The first step is to notice when you’re going into a fawn response.
Pay attention to times when you’re overly focused on pleasing others. Observe your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in those moments.
See if you notice any themes in terms of the people, situations, or events that trigger fawning for you.
Slow down before taking action
Stress responses drive us toward quick action, assuming that it’s a matter of life or death.
Work on creating a pause before you jump into familiar fawn responses.
Stop and take a deep breath. Check in with your body. Hold there a moment. Pause.
Then decide how you want to go forward.
Connect to your emotions
Fawning typically involves suppressing your own feelings to put others first. Especially anger. And especially anger toward others for how they’ve treated you.
If you have a long history of fawning, you may feel out of touch with your emotions. Or uncomfortable with negative feelings like anger, resentment, or grief.
Work on creating space for all your emotions.
What are you feeling right now? Give that emotion a name. Notice how it shows up in your body.
Validate yourself
Your feelings are valid, even if other people have different emotions.
Do you usually turn to others for validation and acknowledgement?
You can validate yourself too. Experiment with this by thinking about what you’d say to a friend or loved one if they were in your situation.
Give yourself permission to think and feel more freely, and to have your needs met for once.
Clarify your values and preferences
Fawn patterns can also disconnect you from your values and preferences. You get so used to caring about what other people say is important.
Dedicate some time to exploring what matters to you.
Here’s an exercise that can help.
Practice new ways of communicating
The best way to learn is by doing. Make an effort to practice skills for assertive communication, like expressing disagreement or saying no.
What’s important here is practice and repetition. Find small ways to be assertive whenever you can. Like letting the server know when your order is wrong. Or sharing your opinion on that TV show your coworkers are debating.
Here’s an article with more details on getting comfortable with healthy conflict.
Understanding the fawn response and its connection to perfectionism sheds light on how deeply ingrained patterns of behavior can affect our lives. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle of constantly seeking approval and sacrificing our own well-being.
By practicing mindfulness, connecting with our emotions, and asserting our boundaries, we can reclaim our agency and lead more fulfilling lives centered around our own values and preferences. And learn to recognize our personal needs while still maintaining healthy relationships with others.
Registered Psychologists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Interested in starting counselling? Navigation Psychology offers in-person counselling in Saskatoon and virtual services across Saskatchewan.
We support clients dealing with a variety of concerns, including perfectionism, anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Get started by booking a free 20-minute consultation call.
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About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I’m also the founder of Navigation Psychology, located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
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