Anxious about Conflict? How to Have Difficult Conversations
Conflict can be uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to be at odds with the people you care about.
In fact, conflict can seem downright scary at times. Perhaps you notice your heart racing or your palms sweating at just the THOUGHT of confronting an issue you’re dealing with at home or work.
People who are uncomfortable dealing with conflict tend to avoid it whenever possible. Avoiding conflict can mean pushing aside their feelings, saying yes when they mean no, or ignoring issues for as long as possible - until their resentment grows so strong that an argument explodes.
While conflict can be uncomfortable, sometimes it’s necessary and valuable. Addressing issues directly can be beneficial for our mental health and relationships long term.
In this article, I’ll explore why conflict can be so challenging and offer tips on how to get more comfortable addressing problems as they happen.
Is Conflict a Bad Word?
Often people assume that conflict is negative. Maybe they’re picturing people yelling and screaming, swearing, calling names, giving the silent treatment, or even getting physical.
These ways of interacting are not okay, to say the least.
But conflict isn’t always negative. Disagreements and differences are bound to occur whenever you bring people together. When handled effectively, conflict gives us opportunities to build even stronger relationships.
For this article, I’m talking about how to promote the healthy side of conflict. That is, how we can address issues in assertive, direct, and respectful ways.
This kind of communication includes:
Identifying problems when they’re happening
Starting a discussion about our concerns
Voicing our thoughts and feelings, including the uncomfortable ones
Listening to one another’s perspectives, even when we don’t agree
Asserting our needs and expectations
Working together to solve problems or negotiate compromises
Communicating clear boundaries when needed
If you tend to assume that conflict is a bad thing, it may be time to re-evaluate that perspective. Because avoiding conflict can actually have negative consequences in many situations.
Consequences of Avoiding Conflict
Here are two hypothetical examples, showing scenarios that I see happening time and time again for people who avoid conflict:
Lately Nora has been feeling frustrated with her sister. Whenever they talk, her sister vents about issues in her marriage. But she never asks about how Nora’s doing. Nora has been struggling with her own problems at work and could really use some support. Nora’s sister has also been asking her for a ton of help, like getting Nora to babysit or run errands. Sometimes Nora avoids her sister’s calls, which makes her feel guilty. She knows that her sister relies on her. But Nora can tell she’s starting to burn out. She has a million things on her plate and no time to take care of herself.
Since moving in with her partner, Madeline has done most of the household chores. She’s feeling frustrated with the situation, but she doesn’t want to start a fight. As time goes on, Madeline can feel her resentment building. She’s often short with her partner and gets angry about what seems like small things. Eventually after a tough day at work Madeline blows up on her partner and they get into a big fight.
While avoiding conflict may seem easier in the short run, it can be detrimental over time. Read on to learn more about the costs of avoiding conflict, for ourselves and our relationships.
Personal Costs
When we avoid conflict, we can miss out on opportunities to change a situation that’s not working for us. Consider Madeline: While she puts off raising her concerns with her partner, she continues to shoulder an unfair proportion of the work at home.
We’re also missing out on opportunities to have our needs met, and reinforcing the idea that our thoughts and feelings aren’t important. For instance, Nora may continue to dedicate her time and energy to supporting her sister while her own needs go unmet.
Even when we try to let things go, we often end up dwelling on unresolved issues, going over and over the situation in our minds. Or playing out all the different ways the conversation could go, if we ever were to raise the issue.
And no matter how hard we try to push aside negative emotions like anger or frustration, they don’t usually disappear. Often these feelings continue growing in the background, until we’re totally overwhelmed and “blow up” at someone.
Pushing down emotions might even be harmful for our physical health. Studies have shown a relationship between emotional suppression and the risk of earlier death from health issues like cardiovascular disease and cancer.
Relationship Costs
Avoiding conflict can also have negative consequences for our relationships. Small issues that go unaddressed early on can grow bigger over time. We may miss out on opportunities to better understand the people we care about. And to be genuine with one another about our thoughts and feelings.
We may also be communicating in unintentional ways when we’re trying to avoid conflict. Like making passive aggressive comments or letting resentment seep into other conversations. We may start distancing ourselves from the people involved. Or shut down their efforts to talk, claiming that things are “fine” when they’re clearly not.
Wondering why people avoid conflict? Keep reading for three factors to consider.
Common Barriers to Productive Conflict
Past experiences
Depending on your past experiences, you may have very good reasons for avoiding conflict. People who have experienced abuse or neglect often learn to please others as a matter of survival. Experience has taught them that it’s not safe to speak up. They’ve learned that, to protect themselves, they need to put their needs and wants aside. So in some environments, conflict is truly dangerous.
Other people have grown up in settings where maybe there wasn’t outright abuse, but their feelings were often dismissed. Perhaps they were told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Or made fun of for showing genuine emotions.
In these situations, people often learn to distrust their own feelings. They absorb the belief that they shouldn’t be feeling this or that way. Sometimes they have trouble addressing conflict because they wonder if they’re “just blowing things out of proportion.” Or they’ve learned that, even when they do voice their feelings, other people aren’t going to care.
Past experiences often shape our expectations for the future. These expectations can show up in our thoughts and beliefs, which I’ll discuss more soon. They can also show up in our bodies, sending us into fight-flight-freeze mode and creating physiological responses like racing heart rate, shortness of breath, crying, chest pain, shaking, sweating, and nausea.
Even when people have moved onto new, more positive relationships, their learned instinct may be to avoid conflict as a means of self-preservation.
Unhelpful stories and beliefs
Another barrier to conflict can be unhelpful stories or beliefs, including stories about the likely outcomes of conflict.
Some people are highly concerned with what others think of them. Perhaps they’re living by the story that other people’s approval determines their worth. In that case, the thought of another person (especially someone they care about) thinking negatively of them is SUPER uncomfortable.
This belief can make it challenging for people to initiate conflict for fear of being judged or rejected. Their mind goes right to worst-case scenarios, assuming they’ll wreck their relationships by bringing issues to the surface.
For some people, conflict is challenging because they assume that other people’s needs come first. This belief is really common among those who identify as helpers or caregivers. They may be put off by the thought of hurting someone else’s feelings. Or they’re just not used to identifying and asserting their own needs.
These unhelpful stories or beliefs can be learned in many ways, including through family relationships or from society in general. For example, women are often taught to focus on caring for others before themselves. They may be discouraged from expressing certain emotions, like anger. And labelled in negative ways for being outspoken or assertive.
While we all live by some unhelpful stories and beliefs, they can be particularly powerful for people who experience anxiety and perfectionism. Dwelling on worst-case scenarios, worrying about being judged by others, having difficulty trying new things, feeling uncomfortable with uncertainty - these are aspects of anxiety and perfectionism that can make addressing conflict difficult.
Lack of experience and healthy models for conflict
Another reason people may avoid conflict is because they lack experience with it. Perhaps they’ve had few opportunities to observe healthy communication in action. Maybe they know what they DON’T want to do, but aren’t sure what to do instead.
Learning new ways of interacting can be uncomfortable at first, but handling conflict effectively is a skill that we can build over time and with practice.
Next, I’ll offer some tips for communicating in an assertive and direct manner. After that, I’ll share additional strategies for getting more comfortable with conflict.
6 Tips for Communicating Effectively
Choose your timing: If there’s an ongoing issue you’d like to bring up, be purposeful about your timing. What would be an effective time to start this conversation? Perhaps not when you and your partner are exhausted after a hard day. Or when your coworker is due to join another meeting in 30 minutes.
Keep in mind that there will never be a perfect time to raise a difficult issue. So don’t use this as a reason to put off a much-needed conversation forever. But, if you do have some options, look for an opportunity that will allow enough time and space for the conversation to unfold.
Stay focused: It’s best to address one issue at a time, to maintain focus in the conversation and make identifying a resolution more likely.
While it may be tempting to rattle off a whole list of concerns once you’ve started talking, this approach is likely to invite defensiveness and create overwhelm.
Describe, express, assert: There are lots of different formats available to help you decide WHAT you’re going to say. You don’t have to follow these formulas by the book, but they offer a helpful place to start.
Consider the steps of Describe, Express, and Assert.
Describe: Begin by describing the issue you’re noticing. Try to keep your language neutral and observational.
“Last night we planned to meet at 7:00 and you arrived at 7:30”
“You want to use Method A for this project and I want to use Method B”
Express: Express how you’re feeling about the issue, using “I” language:
“I feel frustrated when I’m left waiting”
“I’m worried about how the project will go if we’re on totally different pages”
Assert: If you have a specific need for the situation, assert that expectation: “Going forward, I’d like you to text me when you’re running late.”
If you don’t have a particular resolution in mind, use this step to express your needs for the conversation: “I’d like to talk more about our goals for the project, to see if we can come up with a shared plan.”
Avoid using inflammatory language or labelling the other person. For example: “You’re so unreliable” or “This project is falling apart because of you.”
While we can’t control how others respond to our concerns, we can be mindful of communicating in ways that are more likely to be effective.
Use active listening: Be open to hearing the other person’s perspective. Focus on listening while they’re talking instead of interrupting or planning your reply. Then reflect back what you’re hearing to check your understanding. You don’t have to agree, but it’s important that you try to understand other perspectives.
Take a break when needed: If the conversation starts to escalate, take a break. And - this next step is very important! - agree on when you’ll come back to the discussion.
For example: “I can tell that things are getting heated. Why don’t we take 30 minutes to ourselves and then come back to this. Would that work for you?”
Do something that helps you stay calm and regulate your emotions, like going for a walk, taking a shower, stretching, or listening to music.
Know your limits: We may need to compromise to make some situations work, but know your limits. If there are behaviours or outcomes that you’re not okay with, it’s important for you to acknowledge and communicate those limits clearly.
Even when we know what we want to say and how we want to say it, conflict can still be intimidating. Next, I’ll offer 7 strategies for reducing conflict anxiety.
9 Ways to Get More Comfortable Addressing Conflict
Redefine conflict: As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we jump to the conclusion that conflict is negative. But addressing issues directly can also be a catalyst for positive change.
Reflect on your current understanding of conflict: What assumptions are you making? What outcomes are you expecting? How are these perspectives serving you? Have you experienced any negative costs from avoiding conflict?
Would a different understanding of conflict be more helpful for you? What could be the benefits of addressing issues in a more direct way?
Clarify your big-picture values: Sometimes avoiding conflict meets our needs in the moment, like reducing anxiety if we put off starting a difficult conversation. But avoiding conflict can interfere with our actual priorities over time.
If your goal is to share an open, mutually supportive relationship with your partner, putting off dealing with issues between you can undermine that goal. Or if you’re trying to take better care of yourself, ignoring your needs to “keep the peace” could harm your well-being over time.
Connecting with our broader values and goals is a good reminder of why initiating difficult conversations can be so important.
Start small: If you’re new to assertive communication, you don’t need to begin by confronting your intimidating boss head on. Start small and find ways to practice skills like identifying your needs, sharing your feelings, or starting conversations.
For instance, if you get the wrong order at the coffee shop, this is a chance to - politely, respectfully - describe the issue: “Excuse me, I think this is a light roast. I ordered dark roast.”
Prepare in advance: Think about what you’d like to say ahead of time. Identify the key points you hope to get across. Some people find it helpful to write their thoughts down on paper.
Try using a communication formula like Describe, Express, Assert.
Use different situations that you encounter in your day-to-day life as chances to practice wording things in your head. Like if you see someone leaving dirty dishes in the sink at work (one of my personal pet peeves…). Even if you have no intention of confronting your coworker about their kitchen habits, it’s a good chance to practice how you could raise various issues.
Keep in mind that you can’t prepare for every possible outcome before going into a conversation. Practice only goes so far. At some point you’ll still need to take on those difficult interactions for real.
Acknowledge your discomfort: If assertive communication is new to you, it can feel uncomfortable at first. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying. Take a moment to acknowledge your discomfort instead of avoiding it.
“I notice I’m feeling uncomfortable. I can feel my heart racing. This is hard for me.”
Reconnect with your reasons: Then reflect back on the values and priorities you identified above. Remind yourself why addressing the conflict is important and worth overcoming your initial discomfort.
“It’s a tough conversation, but it will hopefully help us get along better in the future.”
Use grounding strategies: Connect with your body by doing a grounding exercise. Take a few deep breaths. Check in with each of your five senses, noticing what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and smelling in that moment. Scan your body for any spots of tension and try to gently release them.
Redefine success: There are lots of things we can’t control in our relationships. Don’t assume that a conversation is only successful if we get the exact outcome we’re hoping for.
Try to focus on the process instead. Take pride in the fact that you started the conversation. Or that you shared a feeling you’ve been holding back, kept an even tone instead of yelling, asserted your expectations, or took a break when needed. These are positive steps to be celebrated!
Get support from a therapist: If you’re experiencing ongoing anxiety about conflict, you can also talk with a psychologist or mental health professional. They can help you work through past experiences or unhelpful stories that impact how you relate to others, and help you build new strategies for communicating effectively
Open, assertive communication is a skill. And like any other skill, it’s one that we can improve with practice.
About Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about anxiety counselling.
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“Should” Stories & Perfectionism
“Should” rules are the impossible standards and expectations that anxiety and perfectionism convince us we need to meet.
“I should be working out 5 days a week”
“I should be further along in my career”
“I should be the best partner, parent, friend, or employee out there”
“Should” rules become a problem when we:
Burn ourselves out trying to be everything to everyone
Beat ourselves up for not meeting unreasonably high standards
Focus on other people’s expectations vs. what’s important to us
If you’re tired of trying to live up to so many “shoulds,” download my free worksheet. It will help you reflect on what rules you’re pushing to meet, where they come from, and how they’re affecting your well-being.