10 Strategies for Working Through Relationship Anxiety
Do you worry about your relationship with your partner, even when things seem perfectly fine?
Like questioning whether they're the right person for you? Fearing they’re going to betray you in some way? Or overanalyzing every single conversation and text?
Anxiety often targets the things people care most about, including their relationships.
It's normal to have fears or doubts about your relationships sometimes, even in the healthiest partnerships. But relationship anxiety takes these fears to another level.
In this article, I’ll explain what relationship anxiety is and offer tips for working through it.
Please note: For the purposes of this article, I’m talking about anxiety happening in a relationship that’s generally safe and positive. This information does not apply to relationships where there’s abuse occurring. If you’re experiencing intimate partner violence, please reach out to the following resources in Canada or the United States.
What is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety involves having intense fears or worries about your relationships that are upsetting, frequent, and difficult to control. You may notice yourself worrying about your relationship even when you try to put these worries out of your mind.
Here are some common fears that can feed into relationship anxiety:
Uncertainty about the future: “Is my partner right for me? What if we’re not compatible? Am I settling? What will happen if things don’t work out? I just want to know for sure, one way or the other.”
Trust: “Is my partner cheating on me? What if they’re lying or hiding something? I don’t want to be caught off guard.”
Unintentional harm: “What if I do something to ruin the relationship? I’ll probably mess things up. What if my partner is mad at me and I don’t know?”
Abandonment: “I won’t be able to cope if my partner leaves me. What if they suddenly end the relationship? I wonder if they even love me at all.”
Like other kinds of anxiety, relationship anxiety can affect not only your thoughts but your body. Physical symptoms often include restlessness, racing heart rate, chest pain, difficulty breathing, muscle tension, stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, or problems sleeping.
Relationship anxiety can have big impacts on our behaviour, especially how we relate to our partners. Keep reading for examples of relationship anxiety in action.
How Relationship Anxiety Can Impact Behaviour
Here are some ways people might behave when they’re experiencing relationship anxiety:
Doubting your decisions: Having trouble making choices about your relationship, like whether to move in together
Hiding your thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or impress your partner
Pretending things are fine when they’re really not
Seeking reassurance in a repetitive way, like asking constant questions about the state of your relationship (e.g., “Are we okay? Do you really love me?”)
Testing or checking up on loved ones. Like saying something negative to see how your partner responds. Or checking their phone to see who they’re talking to
Overanalyzing interactions, looking for signs that something might be wrong
Setting unrealistic expectations. Like assuming you should never argue with your partner or expecting people to always respond to your texts immediately
Focusing on negative parts of your relationships, even minor disagreements
Obsessively researching information and tips about dating or marriage
Making constant comparisons to other peoples’ relationships
Having difficulty separating from your partner
Pushing your partner away or avoiding serious relationships
We all likely do these things sometimes. And we don’t have to be perfect to create healthy, loving relationships.
But relationship anxiety becomes a problem when it negatively impacts your mood; for example making you feel constantly anxious, paranoid, or irritable. Or when it gets in the way of your day-to-day life. Like if you’re having trouble enjoying time with your partner or struggling to focus at work.
Relationship anxiety is also a concern when it negatively impacts your relationships. Like if it’s creating conflict with your partner or making it challenging for you to get close to others.
Next, I’ll explore some factors that can contribute to relationship anxiety.
Where Does Relationship Anxiety Come From?
Most mental health concerns are shaped by a complex mix of factors, like genetics, temperament, and learned experiences. This is the case for relationship anxiety as well.
People who experience generalized anxiety typically have fears and worries about a variety of situations. This can include their relationships as well as their health, safety, work, or finances. Like I said earlier, anxiety tends to target things that are most important to us.
Past relationships can also play a role in relationship anxiety, including early family relationships and past partners.
People who experience abuse, neglect, or otherwise unhealthy relationships often learn to protect themselves by expecting the worst. Predicting dangerous situations, being attentive to other people’s moods, and putting their own needs aside are important skills for staying safe in these situations.
When people move onto other relationships, they often take with them familiar ways of responding. After all, they’ve learned first-hand about how dangerous relationships can be.
But if they’re trying to build new, more positive connections, anticipating worst-case outcomes may no longer be helpful for them. In fact, this hypervigilance may get in the way of building strong relationships.
It’s important to acknowledge how past relationships can contribute to relationship anxiety. And for us to reflect on whether our usual ways of doing things are serving us well in our current circumstances.
Keep reading for 10 ways to work through relationship anxiety.
10 Strategies for Relationship Anxiety
1. Identify triggers
Think about the situations that bring up relationship anxiety for you. Are there certain people, places, objects, or times that tend to fuel anxiety?
Perhaps you struggle when your partner goes out with friends, uses social media, or talks about taking your relationship to the next stage.
It’s hard to work through something if we don’t know when it’s happening. Identifying triggers helps us to be more mindful when dealing with similar situations in the future.
2. Notice and name your experiences
Pay attention to what’s happening for you when relationship anxiety is present. What thoughts are going through your mind? What are you feeling in your body? What emotions are coming up? How are you acting in response?
Try to observe your experiences rather than judging them. So, no telling yourself, “This is stupid” or “Get over it already.” Be curious about what’s happening in the moment.
For example: “My partner is out with friends. I’m worrying about worst-case scenarios, like what if they cheat on me? My stomach is upset right now. I want to relax and watch a movie but I can’t stop texting them every 2 minutes to check in.”
Again, it’s key to build our mindfulness about how relationship anxiety operates.
3. Validate difficult emotions
Relationships can bring up tons of different emotions, both positive and negative. It can be scary to open ourselves up to others. And devastating when a person we care about disappoints or betrays us.
Acknowledge and validate whatever feelings come up for you in your relationships.
For instance: “This is really hard for me. I’m afraid to get hurt again. I’ve been cheated on in the past and it was awful. Trusting someone again makes me feel vulnerable.”
We use up a lot of time and energy arguing with our emotions. Or shaming ourselves for having them. There’s a saying that what you resist, persists. Sometimes the more we try to fight our feelings, the longer we get stuck in them.
By acknowledging our emotions as they are, we’ll be in a better place to process them effectively.
4. Separate emotion from action
Now, just because we have certain emotions doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Most of the time we can’t control what we’re thinking or feeling, but we can choose how we respond.
Even if you’re feeling scared to open up to your partner, you don’t have to pull back like you did in the past. You can feel uncertain AND choose to continue investing in the relationship.
After acknowledging your emotions, pause and think purposefully about how to move forward.
5. Identify your preferred ways of relating to others
Reflect on how you’d like to show up in your relationships.
What kind of partner do you want to be? How do you want to interact with your loved ones? What’s important to you in your relationships? How would you describe your ideal partnership?
Get clear on what matters to you in your relationships. When responding to relationship anxiety, use these values as a touchstone. Encourage yourself to deal with situations in ways that align with your long-term goals.
To give an example: When Leigh pictures her ideal relationship, she sees herself sharing a close bond with her partner while also enjoying her own hobbies and spending time with friends. Her partner travels frequently for work, which makes her really anxious. Usually she spends that time apart ruminating on thoughts about what her partner is doing, even though she knows they’re probably stuck in back-to-back meetings.
How could Leigh handle anxiety in a way that aligns with her goals and values? Instead of sitting at home watching her phone obsessively, maybe she could make plans with a friend or check out that new craft store in her neighborhood.
Even when we’re feeling anxious, we can make choices that move us toward our big-picture goals. Clarify what your vision is, so you can refer back to it as needed.
6. Practice positive coping strategies
Relationship anxiety can feel overwhelming, so it’s important to have positive coping skills to use in tough moments. Make a list of strategies you could use ahead of time. Be creative and brainstorm as many ideas as possible.
Examples of popular coping strategies include:
Moving your body, like walking, dancing, stretching, or doing high-impact exercise
Talking with a trusted friend or family member
Putting your thoughts down on paper
Doing something you enjoy, like watching that new true crime documentary or getting a massage
Practicing relaxation exercises (e.g., checking in with your five senses, box breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation)
7. Communicate with your partner or loved ones
Be open with your partner about your experiences with relationship anxiety. Let them know what’s on your mind and how you’re feeling.
Don’t go into these conversations expecting your partner to give reassurance or solve the problem. Instead, focus on understanding one another and your relationship better.
8. Address issues in your relationships
Many people who experience anxiety avoid conflict whenever possible.
Perhaps you’ve been ignoring issues in your relationship because you don’t want to hurt your partner, are worried about ruining things between you, or just don’t know what to say.
Even when we try to push problems aside, they often find ways to show up in unintentional ways.
To maintain positive relationships long term, it’s key that we’re able to deal with issues directly.
Check out my tips for overcoming conflict anxiety and communicating effectively here.
9. Enrich other areas of your life
It’s easy to make one relationship the centre of your world. But focusing on this relationship at the expense of other interests can amp up the pressure of relationship anxiety.
Work on building up other areas of your life, like your friendships, career development, self-care, or hobbies.
10. Talk with a professional
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and confused by relationship anxiety, reach out to a registered mental health professional in your area. They can help you better understand your experiences with relationship anxiety, and work with you to develop a personalized plan for addressing it.
About Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
My goal is to help people who feel overwhelmed by anxiety and perfectionism overcome their fears, embrace their unique strengths, and feel more content with who they are. I’m a Registered Doctoral Psychologist with a PhD in Counselling Psychology. I offer in-person counselling in Saskatoon and video counselling across Saskatchewan and Alberta.
Learn more about counselling for anxiety.
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